THE CAUSE

I have been debating with myself for the past few months. And I haven't figured out why I have been like this. This morning when I was browsing my previous tweets, I realized that it wasn't all me all this time. I didn't caused this to myself, not me alone. It was Toy mainly and me. She aggravated me, my moods, my curiosity, every feeling I have. I know that whenever I feel frustrated or whenever I am confused, I get more emotional and I tend to freak out but by the time I get some clear answers, I'm good and okay. But with her, things are always unclear, reasons not justified enough to still leave me thinking. I am not used to the situation where I have to figure out what's happening. I am more of a straight to the point kind of person. But Toy, she's my opposite. She never get to the main topic. She always find ways to manipulate the topic until it's too messy and tangled to even tackle up. I am not the problem. I just can't handle her being like that. Now that I have found the cause, how should I deal with it? Should I ignore her if certain issues come up??? Should I not get too involved with her mood swings or her manipulative powers over my emotions??? I don't know... But I'm sure as hell that I am not the problem... And this should give me a good start to better deal with her.

AND FOR A NEW START

And we're still together. Or should I say that we held on and gave things another shot of a chance? I almost lost the only one person I want to be with. Almost. I died but I didn't let my pride take over me. Starting over, if it's even possible. Giving one another a chance to get things right. We are taking one step at a time. Tackling one topic at a time and figuring out ways to improve the situation.

I'm not sure how we are going to pull this one off but I'm hoping we can. However hard things may go, I swear I'm not gonna let it ruin what we have without trying my hardest. I know it's tiring both of us having the same arguments every single time, but it's worth a shot to really start over and discuss things over.

With this chance, I promise to never let my emotions get ahead of me and try to talk to her. But I also need her to do her part to ensure the success of what we are trying to build here.

Trust issues, I trust her, I do. But there are some things that just don't feel right. And that even I can't convince myself that it's just me overreacting and over thinking. I just need to feel secure, that's all. I want to feel that I'm important and that I mattered. I am not the type who demands but this time, I think I have to tell her what I want and needed. I just hope she listens.

BEEN THERE DONE THAT....

I am at a total loss at what's really going on.  One day we're okay then the next day, we're not. Simple things always led to arguments. It made me frustrated most of the time. She even brought up parting ways in some of our arguments. At times I wanted to just end everything but she won't. Not that I don't want it, I'm always thankful that she held on. But she's getting harder to deal with everyday. I don't seem to get her mood swings. I'm really lost and confused.

The moment she told me she's hard to be with, I told her it's fine with me, I can bear and I will try cause she's worth it anyway. But now, realizing how hard she really is to understand, I don't know if I can still bear.

I find her arrogance annoying and her being self-centered. But I still love her. I have been doing every adjustment I know to keep this relationship, to keep her. I tried being sensitive to her needs, but I felt like if I continued that, she will soon take me for granted. Prioritizing her above me and anything else made me too vulnerable. I can't be like that. I know how bad it is for me to love someone that much. Now I'm trying to put myself first before her, but this seems worst. I felt neglected and unimportant. The way she ignored me as if I was never there. It hurts like hell. And I can barely contain my emotion to the point that I burst out.

I love her, of all the reasons why I should give up, I still hold on for that one and only reason. I love her more than anything and I can't deny it. No matter how I lie to myself, it's the truth. I have never wanted anyone else like her. But that love is poisoning me little by little. So I have to protect myself.

Protecting myself doesn't mean I will have to love her less that before. Oh I am more in love with her now and everyday I love her more and more. But I have to control my feelings before it controls me.

I don't know what to do now. How I should continue. I hate it whenever she's like that, stiff, rigid, frozen, hard. I'm lost and I don't have anyone to talk to about this.